RAQQA, SYRIA- Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State, released a statement yesterday confirming that ISIS would be immediately surrendering its fight to establish a powerful caliphate after viewing an interview in which pop singer Katy Perry said, “The greatest thing we can do just unite and love on each other and like, no barriers, no borders, like, we all just need to coexist.” The powerful statement, which single-handedly dismantled ISIS, came shortly after a terrorist attack on civilians in Manchester killed twenty two people, and lead the reclusive head of ISIS to hold an emergency press conference declaring the group’s jihad finished. “Despite my previous belief that we must destroy the infidel in the name of Allah, until Islam rules the world, I just can’t deny that Perry’s words have touched my heart,” al-Baghdadi had said as he symbolically tossed an AK-47 onto the ground. “It is time for the jihadists to start uniting and loving on people. I just can’t believe we didn’t see it before, it’s all so clear now,” he added. After the video started to go viral in ISIS cave networks and strongholds, thousands of terrorists poured into the streets of Raqqa, giving one another spontaneous group hugs, destroying their weapons, and planting trees and flowers to begin rebuilding the Middle East into an utopian wonderland.
According to reports, al-Baghdadi further confirmed that a recent advertisement, in which Kendall Jenner offered a group of riot policemen a Pepsi, was also influential in his decision to immediately cease their murderous reign of terror and to lead ISIS to a path of peace.
Disclaimer: The above story is satire. It is completely fictitious.