Local Man Takes Advantage of 3-Hour DMV Wait to Write Blog Post Arguing For Government-Run Healthcare (Satire)

URBANA, IL—When local man (and devout socialist), Jon Wenetos, found himself in the midst of a three-hour-long wait for a two-minute service at his local DMV office, he decided to redeem the time by pulling out his iPad and carefully pecking out a 5,000-word blog post arguing in favor of a government-run healthcare system in the U.S.

“America is way behind the rest of the civilized world—we need universal healthcare and NOW,” Wenetos typed as dozens of people around him moaned in agony while waiting in their seemingly never-ending DMV purgatory. “The United States government has more than proven its capability of running large-scale operations for its citizenry; for instance, the Department of Motor Vehicles and the Post Office are stellar examples of efficiency and financial prudence.”

“Also–almost forgot—Amtrak. Great performance and NO recent disaster incidents that come to mind. And NASA on top of that! If NASA weren’t doing a world-class job then you would expect a boom in private-company space exploration, to the point where NASA itself might come to rely on the private companies, even. Has anything like that happened? I think not.”

“Someone just let me know when a PRIVATE company shoots the most powerful rocket by a factor of two into space. I won’t hold my breath!” he added.

At posting time, Wenetos had finally reached the DMV counter, but due to an unexplainable glitch in the system, had to go to the back of the line and start over again.

Disclaimer: The above story is satire. It is completely fictitious.

One Year Ago Today…

Wow. What a year it has been. One year has past, in where my life (and hopefully all of my faithful readers too) has been changed for the better.

One year ago today (February 20th, 2017), this GREAT blog was created. It all started where I used to write all of my political rants on the “Notes” application on my phone and would send them to some of my friends, and I more wrote them to get something off my chest, as a tool to reduce stress. One friend suggested that I create a blog to share my ideas with the world. I more took it as a joke, but eventually gave in and thus The Reagan Conservative was born (looked for an updated “About” page in the future). The very first day of the blog’s inception (in where I posted “About the Election…“), the site got about 450 views, in which I was absolutely flabbergasted. Towards the height of the blog (where I was pretty much posting close to a daily basis), I was receiving close to 2,500 views on the site per day. Now a days, I average about 900 views per day (mostly because of my lack of posting as the college lifestyle does not allow as much free time as high school), which I still find absolutely insane.

Over this year my audience has definitely grown and I’ve received a lot of hate mail too (look for a post in the future of a compilation of the best of my hate emails) ; and my views have changed drastically too (look for an updated “My Positions” page), as I feel I’m becoming more towards the center, and less towards the right. However, I am still a conservative at heart, where Ronald Wilson Reagan is still my favorite president (and still is my role model), but I feel enlightened as I look at every issue very objectively, instead of thinking “well, what would a conservative think in this situation or for this issue?” I believe that this year has changed me from just a political hack who would play party politics in almost any issue, to being a very reasonable (dare a say moderate?) conservative.

My writing style has obviously changed too as the length and sophistication of the posts has definitely improved. And I’ve also added some humorous aspects to the blog too, as I’ve begun to write more satirical articles as well. Also, this past year, I created a BIG LEAGUE Twitter account for the blog (feel free to drop that follow), where you as the reader can be exposed to more of my content.

Here’s to another great year of blog posts, rants, commentaries, reactions, satirical articles, and tweets!

Have a conservative day!

-The Reagan Conservative 🇺🇸

My Reaction and Solutions to the Parkland High School Shooting

A teen gunman accused of opening fire with a semi-automatic rifle at his former high school in Parkland, Florida, has been charged with 17 counts of premeditated murder, officials said Thursday.

Authorities said the suspect, identified as 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz, concealed himself in the crowd fleeing Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School following the massacre on Wednesday afternoon. He was arrested in nearby Coral Springs.

Fourteen others were wounded, five with life-threatening injuries, hospital officials said.

Here’s my personal reaction, as this particular blog post is very informal as I just wrote whatever came to mind, not that much editing and revision occurred after initially writing this. This is my raw reaction to the shooting and my solutions to the gun problem (where all of my ideas probably are not going to all be favored but some conservatives).

All right, so let’s walk through it. We’ve got this guy 19 year old Nikolas Cruz. He’s a ne’er-do-well. Why is he a ne’er-do-well? Well his father died. He’s adopted. His mother died. I mean this kid had it rough, so he was adopted. They moved to Florida. The adopters: Linda and Roger Kruse. All right. And then about 2005, Roger Kruse died of a heart attack. So no father in the home. And then last November the mother, Linda dies of pneumonia.

Now this seems to have set Nikolas off, the death of his mother. So therefore he had to then move around, the State didn’t know what to do with him, 19 years old. And he winds up living in a home of one of his friends, a classmate, and winds up going to school at Margory Stoneman Douglas High School in Broward County. The boy was expelled from the high school. But here’s what’s interesting, before that, before the expulsion, and it was for fighting we understand, he had done okay in an ROTC program. So it looks like once his mother died he went off the rails. That’s what it looks like now.

Now supposedly Nikolas Cruz gave off all kinds of signals all right after he was expelled. He went to some kind of what they call opportunity school. You get expelled from a public school, you go to another school for kids who are trouble. We don’t know what his status at that school was, but they tried to get him in there. He was working at a dollar store, but he was a troubled kid there’s no doubt about it. And he was acting out on social media postings under his name said, “I want to shoot people with an AR-15. I want to die fighting, killing.” “I am going to kill law enforcement one day, they go after the good people.” You know I mean there were a lot of flags on this kid and the FBI was told about him. We don’t really know the status of what happened after that, but the FBI indeed was told about him.

Now in Florida you can buy a rifle. (An AR-15 in this case A.R. stands for Armalite. It’s not assault rifle, it’s Armalite, it’s a semiautomatic. It takes 30 rounds but you can customize it to 100 rounds.) If you’re 18 years old in Florida, you can buy this weapon and you don’t need a license, training anything like that. If you buy from a licensed dealer, they’ll do a background check, but if you buy from somebody without a license they won’t. But Nikolas obtained the weapon legally. So he bought the rifle, he had the rifle, people knew he had the rifle. And then he had those flash grenades and things like that on him also. So the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (the ATF) will be investigating that. Florida has very liberal gun laws, in order to buy a pistol you have to be 21 but a rifle. Anybody can pick that up, if you’re over 18. Remember you can’t buy cigarettes unless you’re 21 so and you don’t have to register. You don’t have to register, you don’t really do anything. It’s a liberal state in that regard.

You know there’s some neo nazis saying that he was involved with them, we don’t know that, to be a fact, so the media outlets should stop reporting that. There are a lot of those rumors floating around.

So when the commentators got a hold of this story there was the usual hysteria and I want to give you some very interesting stats starting with Columbine.

The mass shooting in Colorado in 1999 to this day 227 people have been killed in fatal school shootings, 227. That’s a lot 23 of those elementary kids, that was in Connecticut. However, in 1999 there were 28,874 shooting deaths in America. 28,874 shooting deaths in 1999. In 2017; 15,590. That’s almost cut in half. So when the commentators tell you that “this is out of control” and that “guns are everywhere”, it’s not necessarily true (in this country anyway). These kinds of crimes, shooting crimes are going down.

Here’s the most startling fact of all. In 1999 there were 641,000 victims of gunshots wounds. Last year, 2017; 70,000 from 641,000 to 70,000. So authorities are making progress on solving this problem. No doubt about it. We are not becoming more violent as far as guns are concerned, we’re becoming less violent here in America. You’ll never hear that. You will never hear that in the national media.

Now here are my solutions, and some of them are going to be unpopular. But it is the most sensible thing to do in this situation. We cannot continue to let our schools get shot up.

Let me start with this. States are primarily responsible for gun laws, not the federal government. The Federal Government has to enforce the Constitution which is, we the people have a right to bear arms. That means you can’t ban all guns. We have a right to protect ourselves. But the individual states have a right to define how that’s carried out. And that’s the way it should be. There are different standards here in New York City than there would be for Alabama. You don’t want California law imposing itself on Texas or Florida. It’s a different mindset. The people in the states should have the right to regulate firearms for the public good, public safety the way they want to.

Number One: If I’m the governor of any state and I pass a law that says all public schools should have armed guards on campus. There was an armed guard at the school in Broward County. But for some reason we don’t know why the armed guard never caught up with the shooter though, we’ll find out why. I don’t want to demonize the man, but there was one armed guard present at this high school. But all schools, public schools in this country, need to have armed guards (NOT armed teachers, that WILL NOT solve the problem) on campus. And I’d say at least two or three you got to have, now in this day and age.

Number Two: There should be watch lists like you know the no-fly lists that the federal government has, they don’t let the terrorists on planes because they are afraid they’ll blow up the planes. They’ve got to have gun watch lists in each state. So if you’re expelled from school as this boy was, and we think it’s for fighting, you go on a watch list. If you’re involved in an altercation, even though you’re not charged, but it’s a violent altercation; you go on a watch list, in your state. And that list is published for any gun dealer, unlicensed or license. If your name is on that list, you don’t get a gun. Now you can get off the list. You can appeal it, I don’t think that’s a lifetime ban. But there has got to be watch lists of people who are demonstrating bizarre behavior, mental deficiencies. That’s what President Trump said today. Now he’s going to have a big summit meeting, the President is, to bring in everybody. I’ll tell you right now you’re expelled from school, you’re involved in a violent altercation, anything like that. You don’t have to be charged and convicted. You go on a watch list and you can appeal it. But the authorities got to know, who is more likely to commit a violent act like this Nikolas guy.

Number Three: Nobody can buy a gun, unless you’re 21 years old. I mean it just makes sense, give the maturation process a chance though. No way this kid should have been able to buy a semiautomatic rifle and nobody knew about it. 21. You’ve also got plenty of loons at 21, but you know public safety demands it and then the mental health guidelines in each state have got to be explicitly passed by the legislators.

The Sheriff of Broward County, Scott Israel, said “look we (as in the police) need the power when we get a report of a guy or gal is acting very strangely to go in and interview that person, so we can ascertain if the person is a danger to the neighborhood.” (Of course I was paraphrasing there.) Those laws have to be very, very well spelled out. Because if you look, if you go back to all of the shootings, every one of them. It’s always a strange kid, young person, trouble, everybody knew he was trouble. Well the police have got to be aware of that. This isn’t a fascist state is you you’ve got to have common sense, And the states have got to define it.

I think that’s reasonable. I think that what I put forth today it extremely reasonable and nothing to serious extreme.

Everyone knows why the kid did it. The kid didn’t have anybody. All right the school threw him out he was expelled. He didn’t have any friends and any parents, and anybody looking out for him. He just snapped and here he got a big gun, and thought to himself “I’m going to go out and I’m going to take a lot of people with me.”

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We have to do something, what we have now isn’t working. We need reform.

Now, with any massacre involving gun violence, I always quote a quote from President Ronald Wilson Reagan (as the country should turn to Reagan quotes more often for advice and how to create solutions to problems). I’m going to end the blog post with Reagan’s quote (which can also be applied to AR-15s, assault rifles, and semiautomatic weapons) as we, as Americans (NOT as Republicans or Democrats, or as conservatives or liberals, but as AMERICANS),  need to figure out how to resolve this problem of mass shootings and need to figure out what is best for the safety of this great nation:

“I do not believe in taking away the right of the citizen for sporting, for hunting and so forth, or for home defense. But I do believe that an AK-47, a machine gun, is not a sporting weapon or needed for the defense of a home.”

February 6th, 1911. What. A. Day.

February 6th, 1911. What. A. Day. A day in which this great world, our great nation received a gift. We didn’t deserve such of a man as great as he was. February 6th.

On this day we were gifted perhaps one of the greatest men ever to set foot on this earth. February sixth, year two thousand and eighteen marks the one hundred and seventh anniversary of which the true man, the true myth, and the true legend Ronald Wilson Reagan entered into this world. The man who did so much good for this country, the man who was the thirty-third governor of California, the man who was the fortieth president of our great nation, the man who ended the Cold War, the man who invented Reaganomics (cutting taxes and spending, also sprinkled in with some deregulation), the man who revitalized the conservative movement, the man who achieved peace through strength, the man who invented the defense strategy of Star Wars, the man who drastically deduced the number of nuclear arms on the world, the man who appointed the first woman SCOTUS justice, the man who was so witty and charming at debates, the man who is (and will always be) my favorite president, the man who is my idol, the man who’s name was Ronald Wilson Reagan. Ronald Wilson Reagan. This great nation will never have a leader as great as he was. This day should be remembered for eternity for the yearly observance, the commemoration, and the jubilee of the anniversary of President Ronald Wilson Reagan was born. Join me as many other conservatives and patriots across this great nation celebrate this momentous occasion.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President!

-The Reagan Conservative 🇺🇸

The House Memo Reveals Disturbing Facts About the Misuse of FISA

Now we know why the FBI tried so hard to block release of the House Intelligence Committee memo. And why Democrats and the media want to change the subject to Republican motivations. The four-page memo released Friday reports disturbing facts about how the FBI and the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court appear to have been used to influence the 2016 election and its aftermath.

The White House declassified the memo Friday, and you don’t have to be a civil libertarian to be shocked by the details. The memo confirms that the FBI and Justice Department on Oct. 21, 2016 obtained a FISA order to surveil Carter Page, an American citizen who was a relatively minor volunteer adviser to the Trump presidential campaign.

The memo says an “essential” part of the FISA application was the “dossier” assembled by former British spy Christopher Steele and the research firm Fusion GPS that was hired by a law firm attached to the Clinton campaign. The memo adds that former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe told the committee in December 2017 that “no surveillance warrant would have been sought” without the dossier.

This is troubling enough, but the memo also discloses that the FBI failed to inform the FISA court that the Clinton campaign had funded the dossier. The memo says the FBI supported its FISA application by “extensively” citing a September 2016 article in Yahoo News that contained allegations against Mr. Page. But the FBI failed to tell the court that Mr. Steele and Fusion were the main sources for that Yahoo article. In essence the FBI was citing Mr. Steele to corroborate Mr. Steele.

Unlike a normal court, FISA doesn’t have competing pleaders. The FBI and Justice appear “ex parte” as applicants, and thus the judges depend on candor and truthfulness from both. Yet the FBI never informed the court that Mr. Steele was in effect working for the Clinton campaign. The FBI retained Mr. Steele as a source, and in October 2016 he talked to Mother Jones magazine without authorization about the FBI investigation and his dossier alleging collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign. The FBI then fired Mr. Steele, but it never told the FISA judges about that either. Nor did it tell the court any of this as it sought three subsequent renewals of the order on Mr. Page.

We don’t know the political motives of the FBI and Justice officials, but the facts are damaging enough. The FBI in essence let itself and the FISA court be used to promote a major theme of the Clinton campaign. Mr. Steele and Fusion then leaked the fact of the investigation to friendly reporters to try to defeat Mr. Trump before the election. And afterward they continued to leak all this to the press to cast doubt on the legitimacy of Mr. Trump’s victory.

No matter its motives, the FBI became a tool of anti-Trump political actors. This is unacceptable in a democracy and ought to alarm anyone who wants the FBI to be a nonpartisan enforcer of the law.

We also know the FBI wasn’t straight with Congress, as it hid most of these facts from investigators in a briefing on the dossier in January 2017. The FBI did not tell Congress about Mr. Steele’s connection to the Clinton campaign, and the House had to issue subpoenas for Fusion bank records to discover the truth. Nor did the FBI tell investigators that it continued receiving information from Mr. Steele and Fusion even after it had terminated him. The memo says the bureau’s intermediary was Justice Department official Bruce Ohr, whose wife, incredibly, worked for Fusion.

Democrats are howling that the memo, produced by Republican staff, is misleading and leaves out essential details. They are producing their own summary of the evidence, and by all means let’s see that too. President Trump should declassify it promptly, along with Senator Chuck Grassley’s referral for criminal investigation of Mr. Steele. But note that Democrats aren’t challenging the core facts that the FBI used the dossier to gain a FISA order or the bureau’s lack of disclosure to the FISA judges.

The details of Friday’s memo also rebut most of the criticisms of its release. The details betray no intelligence sources and methods. As to the claim that the release tarnishes the FBI and FISA court, exposing abuses is the essence of accountability in a democracy.

Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes is doing a service by forcing these facts into the public domain where the American people can examine them, hold people accountable, and then Congress can determine how to prevent them in the future. The U.S. has weathered institutional crises before—Iran-Contra, the 9/11 intelligence failure, even Senator Dianne Feinstein’s campaign against the CIA and enhanced interrogation.

The other political misdirection is that the memo is designed to undermine special counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into possible Trump collusion with Russia. I doubt Mr. Mueller will be deterred by any of this. The question of FISA abuse is independent of Mr. Mueller’s work, and one that Congress takes up amid a larger debate about surveillance and national security. Mr. Trump would do well to knock off the tweets lambasting the Mueller probe, and let House and Senate Republicans focus public attention on these FISA abuses.

If all of this is damaging to the reputation of the FBI and Justice Department, then that damage is self-inflicted. I recognize the need for the FBI to sometimes spy on Americans to keep the country safe, but this is a power that should never be abused. Its apparent misuse during the presidential campaign needs to be fully investigated.

Toward that end, the public should see more of the documents that are behind the competing intelligence memos to judge who is telling the truth. President Trump and the White House should consider the remedy of radical transparency.

‘There Are More Than Two Genders,’ Tortured Employee Forced To Say In Darkened Room At Google Headquarters (Satire)

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In a darkened room labeled “101” deep within Google’s Mountain View headquarters, an outed conservative employee was forced to say there are more than two genders after a long period of torture.

The man was tortured for hours, arguing the objective reality of two genders, being told he was “mentally deranged” and suffering from “a defective worldview” before finally giving in.

“Do you remember writing in an email that there are only two genders?” he was asked while strapped to a table. “What if Google says there are three?”

“How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? Two genders are two genders!” the man cried through tears as his torturer, a Google project lead, held up a picture of a man and a woman, according to surveillance footage.

“Sometimes. Sometimes there are two. Sometimes there are three. Sometimes there are any number of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane,” the project lead replied coldly before administering another round of electric shocks into the man’s brains.

“Freedom… is the freedom to say there are only two genders…” the man said with great pain, through blackened eyes and bleeding lips.

“But how do we know that there are only two genders? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only on Google’s servers, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then?” the Google official said as he methodically broke the man’s will in an attempt to get him to confess there were any number of genders Google wanted there to be.

“Fine, there are more than two genders, there are however many genders you want there to be—just make the pain stop!” the man screamed after a final round of torture, witnesses claim.

The man was then left to himself in isolation for a long period of time.

According to sources, he gazed up at the enormous Google logo on the wall, muttering that it had taken him twenty years to finally understand the brilliance of the search engine, advertising, and technology company. But he later claimed it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Google.

Disclaimer: The above story is satire. It is completely fictitious.

White House Staff Replaces Oval Office Nuclear Button With Disguised Staples “Easy Button” (Satire)

WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources from within the White House, several staffers replaced Donald Trump’s “large nuclear button” with a novelty Staples “Easy Button,” disguising the $10 plastic toy by crossing out the word “easy” and scrawling “NUKE” across it in permanent marker.

With Trump retired for the night, several aides took action, sneaking into the Oval Office, removing the actual nuclear button, and installing the phony replacement in its place.

Trump has reportedly pressed the button several times already, unaware that the button merely lit up and said “That was easy!” and did not flatten the country of his choice.

“We had cut the wires to the nuclear button long ago, but Trump didn’t know that, and frankly this seemed like a more secure solution,” one staffer said. “He thinks he’s destroyed most of the Middle East, North Korea, and Canada already.”

“I feel kinda bad for him if I’m being honest,” the staffer added.

At posting time, North Korean officials had risked their lives to pull off the same stunt in the office of dictator Kim Jong Un.

Disclaimer: The above story is satire. It is completely fictitious.