FAIRFIELD, CALIFORNIA– The town of Fairfield, a suburb of San Francisco, has revealed at a press conference, that city officials have created a new political correctness police task force, after some village board members have recognized that some current phrases have acquired negative connotations.
The town of Fairfield has already started implementing new terms and euphemisms to combat the political incorrectness. Some examples include changing garbage man to “garbage person”, women to “womyn”, Easter eggs to “spring spheres”, manholes to “human access covers”, and pets to “nonhuman animal companions”. Also, the city officials have started to phase out all words of the English language associated with any color. All of these changes will supposedly decrease the likelihood of a minority group being insulted.
“We believe that these new euphemisms are currently the best choice for our disprivileged peoples,” said spokesperson Kevin Byrd at the press conference, “they used to be discriminated against using blunt words. Now, we can rest happy knowing that they will be bullied against using our own versions of the insulting phrases instead.”
The euphemisms list also included advice on how to avoid other offensive language, advising citizens to use “the economy is handicapable” instead of “the economy is crippled”, and “unsighted person to the truth” instead of “blind to the truth”.
Also Byrd recounted that recently, a Fairfield High School instructor was fired because he corrected a student of color’s grammar, “thank some supernatural being that you may or not believe in, that this extremist, narrow-minded, intolerant teacher has been removed from disrupting our prestigious all-inclusive educational system.”
The Fairfield local government has also deemed wearing any articles of clothing that contain the American flag, any sort of religious references, any references to gender, or any colors (especially the colors black and white) as offensive and extremely obscene.
Not only is the town regulating speech, city officials have begun selectively removing and editing fairy tales and other means of entertainment. For an example, the story of Cinderella has been changed to “when the clock strikes midnight, and she is transformed back to her peasant clothing, and is so happy to be in comfortable clothes again, that the other stepsisters decide they’re now envious of her comfort.”
This is just the beginning. The city plans on eliminating all viable options in which a person can be offended by. Within the next five or so years, Fairfield plans on eliminating all races, gender, and diversity between its citizens.
“It will be a glorious revolution,” said mayor Anthony Neff, “hopefully other cities and eventually the entire country will follow suit.”
Disclaimer: The above story is satire. It is completely fictitious.